Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
