We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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