She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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