New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
