Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
