I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
