apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
