There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
