Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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