I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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