you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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