just tell him i said nine months
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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