Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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