I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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