nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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