Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
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You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
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How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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