I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
