bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
