I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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