Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
As shirtless as possible
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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