I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
