dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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