I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife