Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar