I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.