she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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