that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again