I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You can't special order awesome
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
