My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
