Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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