Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
