RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
