Quick, to the slutcave!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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