: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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