Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
