6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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