then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
