All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
