I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
