I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
