My hand turned me down
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
