i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
