mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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