nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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