I should be sponsored by Trojan
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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