Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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