im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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