My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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