Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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