It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize