everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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