I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
