i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
