Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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