just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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