Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
