I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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