Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
