saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
