She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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