i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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