Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
