i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
