Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
